I LOVE MY MESSY LIFE

So I went over open relationship guy’s apartment last night. Where to start. He’s smart, charming, sweet, amazing in bed. oh and married.

I seriously feel like he’s way out of my league. He has an amazing job in the nonprofit world and a masters and he paints. He’s totally comfortable with himself in bed. Meanwhile, my life is a total messs. I don’t have my shit together AT ALL and my sex life has been just about nonexistent for the past year.

But I’m really happy he likes me. He has a lot of the qualities I enjoy being around. It probably has a lot to do with him being 10 years older than me. People are much less pompous and self-centered and generally more likable in their 30s.

It’s a strange thing dating a married man. Really strange. I thought it might bother me but it actually makes me like him more. It makes me admire him, that he’s in such a trusting and loving and committed relationship that he doesn’t mind her dating other men. It shows that he’s capable of really deep connection, a connection I’ve never experienced.

I also like that he’s committed to someone else because it’s so much less pressure on me. I don’t feel any pull to be a certain someone to him. When two single people date one another, there’s always some pressure to satisfy what you think the other person is looking for in a partner. But dating someone who’s in an open relationship, there’s none of that. I’ve never felt this intense permission to be exactly who I am, or exactly who I WANT to be.

Because the bottom line is that him wanting to be with me in the long term is out of the question. When you remove the possibility of long term commitment, all that’s left is the present. All that we want from one another is inside this one moment, right here and right now. That’s incredibly liberating. He kept telling me how beautiful he thought I looked and how good I felt. Ah, I feel like I’m going to cry right now. It’s been a really long time since a guy has made me feel like that, like I’m desired and special.

Dating a guy like him, it feels like I’m doing exactly what I should be doing right now. I don’t want a committed relationship at this point in my life. I want to be committed to myself. And I feel like there’s self-growth in getting validation from someone without needing that someone to be committed to you. It’s good to let go, to let someone make you feel special but not NEEDING them to make you feel special.

I don’t know, I feel like I’m growing up. Figuring out who I am. And it’s awesome to be able to do that with someone WITHOUT having to feel like I need to be someone to them. Growing with each other, not towards each other.

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