Here’s a tip: craigslist casual encounters sounds like a super good idea right after you get out of a four year relationship, i know. but it’s not.
So I responded to this ad looking for a cuddle partner, thinking yes! meaningless intimacy to sooth all the sore wounds of breaking up. that sounds like a really great idea. so me and this dude exchanged photos and met in person at a coffee house. he was kind of persistent to meet, i was more hesitant. his photos were cute though, he looked friendly, so I went.
he was one of those guys who i found way more attractive in person than in his photos. charismatic, beautiful eyes. he could tell i was nervous and he did most of the talking, which i resented a little because i can still talk when im nervous. but he was interesting to listen to. a post doc working on a microscope to take photos of outer space. c’mon now. people who do that sort of thing have always made me weak in the knees.
we exchanged the basics of why each of us were there. he said he had met about 10 people in the past 2 years off craigslist, and cuddle hooked up twice. he said he just liked meeting new people and thought it was interesting learning why people were interested in a casual cuddle session. i said i just broke up with my long term boyfriend, rambled on nervously about that a bit, and wrapped up it up by saying I was leaving in 2 weeks so what the hell and a nervous giggle. we hug and say bye.
i walk home, walking on clouds. happiest i’ve felt in a long time after a severely long and painfully drawn out break up. confident in my ability to move forward, in my ability to feel chemistry again and be close to someone. that night i wrote him an email. i wrote something to the effect of i really like being around you and i think we have great chemistry and you’re so interesting and please let me know when you want me in your bed to cuddle.. something to that effect.
he wrote back the next day something to the effect of its good to get out of your shell unfortunately i dont think we’ll be able to meet before you leave. i stayed up all night hating him and the world and myself for being uncuddleable. oh and a sidenote, the night i first responded to his ad, before we even met, he was persistently saying he wanted to pick me up that night, it was like 12:15am. so something about meeting me makes me uncuddleable? i basically arrived at the conclusion that someone thought i was cuddle material and then actually met me and realized im not. which is a horrible feeling when you’re in a vulnerable state already.
sometimes a night of staying up all night drinking wine is all you need to realize the irrationality of your self hatred. i put myself in his shoes. he’s a stable, career oriented, unattached man, i’d guess in his early 30s. im a raw 24 year old who is emotionally unstable and vulnerable, just got out of a 4 yeah relationship, about to make a huge life change and move across the country and im writing him an email about how much chemistry i feel for him. i still think he felt chemistry too. but regardless thats not the point of a random cuddle partner. and way more trouble than its worth for him, i bet. he probably thought i would get super attached right away and want to like be pen pals forever or something. so maybe it wasn’t because i’m fundamentally uncuddlable. that made me feel a little better.
then i listened to this and stopped caring: