I met someone!

I met someone I met someone! Not on OkC, but the old fashioned way! I met him last night. One of my best friends from high school had a birthday party, and he was there. He was her friend from college. OOH my gosh I really like him. We locked eyes from across a crowded room, it felt like a movie or a deodorant commercial or something. I KNEW instantly that I liked him. Then we started talking and I liked him even more. He’s really attractive and funny and smart and perfect. AHHHHHHH!

A bunch of people slept over after the party and we shared a pull out couch. OMG. we hooked up REALLY quietly because there were like 7 other people sleeping on air mattresses on the floor. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!

It was so unexpected, too. After so many OkC dates, I kind of stopped thinking I would meet someone out of the context of OkC. Which sounds ridiculous in retrospect. But going to this party, I never thought even for a second I would meet a guy I liked there. It IS TRUE what they say about love being something you find when you’re not looking for it. IM NOT SAYING IM IN LOVE WITH HIM. but there’s definitely potential.

thankfully i have radiohead on my iphone

i haven’t been the most positive person lately.

i applied for the perfect job and i haven’t heard back from them yet. i feel like if i’m not good enough for them i’m going to have to start from scratch. jjghgdgfxcnbhmjkjkiyutredasdfgkl;

i miss the days when finding a job was something you could do in person. like human to human. im better in human than in computer. at first, i was scared to meet people from okcupid in person and i just wanted to message. then i started meeting people in person and realized it was about 1000% better than messaging. why can’t this job be like okcupid!?

you can’t get a FEEL for someone when you’re messaging. you can’t CLICK with someone. and i just KNOW that if i had the chance to meet this current job in person, we would CONNECT.

but instead, we’re stuck connecting over the shitty internet. fuck the internet.

I LOVE MY MESSY LIFE

So I went over open relationship guy’s apartment last night. Where to start. He’s smart, charming, sweet, amazing in bed. oh and married.

I seriously feel like he’s way out of my league. He has an amazing job in the nonprofit world and a masters and he paints. He’s totally comfortable with himself in bed. Meanwhile, my life is a total messs. I don’t have my shit together AT ALL and my sex life has been just about nonexistent for the past year.

But I’m really happy he likes me. He has a lot of the qualities I enjoy being around. It probably has a lot to do with him being 10 years older than me. People are much less pompous and self-centered and generally more likable in their 30s.

It’s a strange thing dating a married man. Really strange. I thought it might bother me but it actually makes me like him more. It makes me admire him, that he’s in such a trusting and loving and committed relationship that he doesn’t mind her dating other men. It shows that he’s capable of really deep connection, a connection I’ve never experienced.

I also like that he’s committed to someone else because it’s so much less pressure on me. I don’t feel any pull to be a certain someone to him. When two single people date one another, there’s always some pressure to satisfy what you think the other person is looking for in a partner. But dating someone who’s in an open relationship, there’s none of that. I’ve never felt this intense permission to be exactly who I am, or exactly who I WANT to be.

Because the bottom line is that him wanting to be with me in the long term is out of the question. When you remove the possibility of long term commitment, all that’s left is the present. All that we want from one another is inside this one moment, right here and right now. That’s incredibly liberating. He kept telling me how beautiful he thought I looked and how good I felt. Ah, I feel like I’m going to cry right now. It’s been a really long time since a guy has made me feel like that, like I’m desired and special.

Dating a guy like him, it feels like I’m doing exactly what I should be doing right now. I don’t want a committed relationship at this point in my life. I want to be committed to myself. And I feel like there’s self-growth in getting validation from someone without needing that someone to be committed to you. It’s good to let go, to let someone make you feel special but not NEEDING them to make you feel special.

I don’t know, I feel like I’m growing up. Figuring out who I am. And it’s awesome to be able to do that with someone WITHOUT having to feel like I need to be someone to them. Growing with each other, not towards each other.

the unforced relationship

i date without expectations. i want to drive through the fall and feel all the vulnerability and beauty of the trees shedding their leaves. i want relationships that rub me, that make me feel alive. I WANT MAGIC. i remember what it’s like to be a kid and be carried away by a force that’s much bigger than i am. i refuse to lose my imagination to a practical relationship.

 

hi im single and open to open relationships

so i recently started dating a guy from OkC who is in an open relationship. yes, one of those. one of those couples where both partners are on OkC and link to one another’s OkC profiles in their self-summaries (how cute.) i’m all about using OkC as a method of exposing myself to new people and subcultures. sometimes i go on OkC dates and pretend I’m Louis Theroux. So i was PSYCHED when this guy asked me out and I could get some non-monogamous polyamorous way of the future exposure or something.

and i was also attracted to him. and i am open in every way (most ways) to open relationships.

the date went well. it was one of the more “date” dates i’ve been on on OkC, like the kind where you actually get to know one another and try to be charming etc. I held my own. At the end we went for a walk and he told me he liked me (eeee!) and then we made out near a lake.

sigh.

The rules, I learned, are defined completely by the relationship. Non-monogamous means both people are free to have sex with other people. Polyamorous means both people are free to fall in love with other people.

I am single. Meaning I can fuck and love whoever i want to. That, and i’m pretty sure most people assume I’m desperately lonely and depressed, which I sometimes (ONLY SOMETIMES) am.

I see the benefits of dating a non-monogamous/polyamorous guy as such (i don’t know which the guy i’m dating is, I was too afraid to ask):

-Less pressure

-Less stress

-Less pressure

-Everything points to be yourself!

-THIS IS SO MUCH FUN!

And the cons as such:

-Wtf is going on

-Stop imagining him being committed. Stop it!

We have another date Sunday. Let’s just say FUCK YEAH!/im scared.

the under-evolved men of okcupid

Here’s a little splice up of a recent message conversation I had on okcupid and an amazing project over at kickstarter, Stop Telling Women to Smile. 

 

OkC: Hey tasty!:) how are you?

Image

 

Me: I know you didn’t mean any harm, but I dont appreciate strangers calling me names. 
My name is —- and Im not interested.

 

OkC: Hi! Nice to meet you —-. You are right, i didn’t mean any harm and excuse me for any! You are a wonderful girl! 

 

Image

Me: That means so much coming from a total stranger.

 

OkC: I agree with you! I want to ensure that was trying to show a lot of interest in you, but i’m really the most respectful and nicest, they can go together i think

 

Me: i was being sarcastic

 

OkC: lol i was not

 

 

 

luminaries part 1

Mr. Poynton

He was only a couple years older than I am now. He taught us science like it was the key for us to become real people.

He came in after a few days off for major oral surgery and started the class off with one foot on the overhead projector stand (his signature pose) and went into narrating the entire story. i think most people were probably bored by him, but i was totally infatuated. for once a teacher treated me not as a project but like a fellow human being. like a comrade who could benefit from understanding photosynthesis and chemistry and the importance of dental care.

that was my first memory of feeling like an adult.